Still Taking on Water

boat taking on water

…let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us…
Hebrews 12:1 KJV

When I stepped away from this blog two months ago, I did so because there was a great deal to do in preparation for the conference, as well as on other fronts in the ministry. But that wasn’t all of it. I was wrestling with God, and I had reached a point where I couldn’t write anything that didn’t begin and end with misery and frustration. And the truly beautiful thing about this reality is that God provided time, covering, and grace for me to work it out. He ALWAYS does, because He knows better than we do what it means to lay aside “the sin which doth so easily beset us.”

Brothers, each person should remain with God in whatever situation he was called.
1 Corinthians 7:17 HCSB

This verse is a very familiar battleground for me. I smell gunpowder and blood when I read it. If there is a sin that easily besets me, then it’s scorning the life God has given me instead of receiving it with thanksgiving and joy. And though the battleground is the same, the weaponry changes.

My first encounter with this sin was its exposure through Martha’s booklet, The Great Lie. I was ungrateful to my very core, and had no joy in my life—and I had no idea how obvious this was to every person I met. That was a brutal, humiliating death that resulted in my first glimpse of God the Father as merciful and loving, the opposite of my wicked accusations.

The second battle took place when I was confronted by Love-on-Fire (Martha), and my stronghold of a deep-seated hatred of God was shellacked into rubble. My salvation was forged in the mud and blood of that encounter and I was born again. I loved my God and I loved my life and I just KNEW that I was finally done with this hell-root.

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?
Jeremiah 17:9

And now we’re back in the present. Same battle, different weapons. My life is wonderful! I mean, I love what I do, I have an amazing and loving spiritual authority, and I have been given a true church to love and be loved by—I am blessed beyond the telling of it. Enter that timeless dread, CHANGE. My role in the ministry has evolved and grown and I have new responsibilities and challenges. I began to doubt and flail, and the more I flailed, the more the Lord seemed to put on my plate. “Receive the grace!” Got it, but still not okay. “Just have faith!” Right, sure, but I’m still drowning. “Christ in you has to perform it!” Totally forgot about that, so let me just get out of the way and…um, still taking on water here. WHAT is happening?!

This is about the time that John had a word for me, and boy, talk about “sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit!” He told me that I saw myself as a victim of God and advised me to go to my Father about it. Well, I was just devastated. I was back on the same battleground, again. I was so ashamed, and I cried for the next 24 hours, just begging to be completely cleansed of this never-ending ingratitude and hatred for my life.

God, create a clean heart for me
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not banish me from Your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,
and give me a willing spirit.
Psalm 51:10-12 HCSB

What happened next was unexpected, absolutely extraordinary, and completely without fanfare of any kind. I discovered what happens when you stand before the Cross, soot-soaked and tear-stained, and ask Jesus Christ for the impossible.

(This post will continue on Monday.)

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    • Sam


    • martha

      Oh Welcome back, dearest Jennifer! Your original, robust, honest (what you call) ‘dance with the Lord’ is a blazing trail for us to follow – or rather – to give us permission GO down our own reality-hike, where He waits in delight to be discovered. You lead us to HIM! Bless you,love.

    • Tammy

      “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you,”
      Your courage and willingness to share the steps, stumbles, tears, and triumphs He leads you through are an encouragement I can’t explain.
      “Those who plant with tears will gather fruit with songs of joy. He who goes out crying as he carries his bag of seed will return with songs of joy as he brings much grain with him.” Psalm 126:5-6
      Is it Monday yet!?

    • Sandra

      Wow, I agree with Martha. Welcome back! You are so delightful and refreshing and I do bless God for you. You’ve taken on Martha’s gift of clarity and it speaks volumes to the listeners.
      Thank God for Shulamite Ministries!

    • Wanda

      Yes! to what Martha said. I love you, Jennifer. Keep it coming–you are like a refreshing Spring rain.

    • Pauline

      (Sigh)…thankful — the Lord inspires such hope through you. Love you!

    • Joy

      Hi Jennifer! I am new to this blog. I found it shortly before you took a break from posting. I took the time you were away to go back and read many of your previous posts. I can’t tell you how they have encouraged me & spoken straight to my heart. I haven’t found a one that I haven’t been able to relate to! I grew up under religion & am just now beginning (I think?!?) to grasp the message of the cross and beginning my own journey of repentance. This is all so new to me, but your posts encourage me that this (repentance) is day in, day out normal christianity. Thank you!

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