My journey into silence was not a straight line. I didn’t have a 1,2,3 checklist in coming to this place of listening. There was a progression of discovery. I had to yield myself to Him in relationship in order to learn what He desired.
The next stop had the Spirit inspecting my motives, my heart – and letting His light shine on me. You see, I had faulty beliefs about intimacy with Him. I always expected God to respond to me much like a human would. I went with all my insecurities and doubts, and hoped beyond hope that He would accept me.
Though I had great anticipation of being with Him, I was scared. I was laying it on the line hoping for His receptivity. My mania to create silences was a belief that without it, I couldn’t access Him. I didn’t come in faith and assurance but rather much like a guilty man.
Then God showed me my motive for seeking Him: I wanted to know that He loved me. I was seeking love proof rather than coming as one approved. That is a poor base from which to launch, and I had to deal with it before I could go any further.
By coming to the encounter demanding that God speak to me to prove that He loves me, I left disappointed. If I focus my quiet times on securing affirmation of His love for me, I will never feel His affection. My grasping for His response toward me blocked me from seeing HIM. I am His child and am to be secure in the love of the Father. If I come to the table unapproved, I am accessing that old wrestling nature from which I was saved.
I am loved and I am His so I come to hear if He wants to speak. Oh, this changes the whole climate of the time not to mention my life.
