Many months ago I began to hear the words, “Teach me to number my days, make me to know . . .“ I had to look up that prayer and pondered it in several translations. The one that seemed to pierce me and become my own was “that I may know how frail I am.”
Often that prayer would come to mind and I would pray it back to Him. Little did I know that He was preparing me even then . . . to receive His answer. When the Lord took Don home, he was 66. We had been married for over 44 years and known each other for 49. To many, especially the young, that may seem “forever.” To me, it seems like . . . a breath. In that moment, as Don’s final journey into glory began, I collapsed. Only later did I realize that it was into Him. I had no strength to do otherwise. In that blow, I was rendered helpless. Even the simple decisions seemed impossible and I cried out, “Jesus, what do I do?” “Father, Father, help! I can’t do this. I can’t live this.” I don’t even know or remember all that transpired, but I cried out in utter despair. And He caught me and took me over.
Martha has often said that if we would just get out of the way, we could observe Him in and through us. That, of course, IS the issue, getting out of the way, being that needy. But how faithful He is to do what He calls me to. In a moment, He rendered me helpless. Over these weeks, I have watched Him do and accomplish what I could not, beyond me and in spite of me. It is grace that I have never known or experienced.
He is writing a Testimony, but it is not about me. It is His Testimony to me about Him. It is a Testimony of Jesus, of His life that rises and takes over and lives out what was, and IS, impossible to live. It is His testimony that even through the painful valley of the shadow of death where the heart is broken and the tears burn, “He always leads in triumph.” I have watched, observed Him make decisions I could not make that had to be made. Answers would flow like a river into the midst of confusion. He has branded my heart with life’s brevity, and is setting me free from the haunting fear of death.
Even as He welcomed Don into His glory, He brought me into the light of my own frailty and utter helplessness, and is proving to me that it is in that frailty and need and helplessness that He comes and invades and rules and IS.
Psalm 39:4 Amplified
Lord, make me to know my end and [to appreciate] the measure of my days—
what it is; let me know and realize how frail I am [how transient is my stay here].
Psalm 90:12 NASB
So teach us to number our days,
That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.