I’m in the process of going through a repentance and seeing. It’s not a completed work but my life calling as a person has often evolved out of the areas of my greatest pain and suffering. Now the Lord is asking me to lay down another hope in my life.
I repent for the resistance because I have a lifetime of resistance to the person He made me, and the calling He gave me, and the blessing that it would be. You know, it’s like He makes you a person that appears to be your worst nightmare and you have to wake up every single day and look in the mirror and go, “Oh crap, it’s me!”
Being Yourself! I have continually resisted me, and He’s had incredible grace with me. There are aspects of me that He’s asked me to be that I have to grapple with Him about it, and I just confess my resistance.
I guess it’s just the hardest thing to be yourself and who He’s created you to be, and then to fit into His mold instead of creating yourself. It’s the hardest thing to say, “Okay, God, this is who You created me to be, and this is who I am, so I just surrender to it and accept it.” It’s a lot easier to fight and whirl around that person.
Ultimately what I realize is that He is asking to BE me, and I have resisted Him. I have resisted His life in me, His place and forming of me, His idea of Himself in me.
He wants to live my life. He established the calling to live my life and said, “I want to live this life.” But the problem is: right now I’m living it and I’m IN it.
He’s saying, “You need to get out of it. I’m not asking you to live your life. Your life is lost in Me. I AM asking to live your life. You can’t do the things I’m asking you to do. It’s not in your DNA. But it is in Mine. So get out of there and let Me live My life through you.”
And in that way, Christ will be revealed in me. But as long as I continue to have MY idea of my life, or my willfulness to have my life, or MY hopes and MY fulfillment, it’s impossible. He’s asking me to let all that go.
It’s like He’s saying, “I’m not interested in any of that. You WILL be fulfilled in Me because you’re lost in Me.”