Embracing My Solitude

Pushing a Boulder Up A Hill

Trying to write today is like pushing a boulder up a hill. No sooner do I have a coherent thought then it rolls away from me and I have to go back to the beginning again. Maybe it’s warfare and maybe it’s laziness ­– I just don’t know. What I’m laboring to express here is where Wednesday’s post came from and why it matters so much to me. Basically, I’ve had a very personal revelation of just what my relationship with God is meant to be, and it’s amazing.

I’ve always considered myself a little selfish when it came to my relationship with the Lord. I wanted whatever He had for me, and if there was something out there that wasn’t for me, I really wasn’t too interested in it. For years I called this a selfish approach to relationship, but I think that selfish is the wrong word.

…let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…
Hebrews 12:1-2 NASB

I am by no means labeling my approach as equal to the standard that is laid out here, but I think that it’s been part of my move toward that. We each have a specific and individual race to run. My race is set by God for ME, no one else, and the same goes for all of us. I understood that race as something synonymous with my life in general, but I don’t think that’s right. It’s not so broad, so inclusive as that. In my life, I have family and friends that God’s given me to love, but they are not running my race with me. They each have a race that’s just for them. I don’t think that it’s selfishness on my part to prioritize my race, just as it isn’t myopic to fix my eyes on Jesus.

There is an absolutely, unequivocally solitary aspect to this Christian life. And this solitude will make me an oddball, just like Jesus. Jesus was NOT normal! He was seriously strange! He walked off without explanation, He insulted the respected elders of the faith, He announced to Zaccheus that He was staying at his house without so much as a “by your leave,” and He called His hosts out publicly for being bad hosts. Jesus was running the race set before Him by the Father. He had fixed His eyes and heart on His Father’s will, and that came first before anything and everything. Contrary to an old youth pastor of mine, I don’t really see Jesus as “cool” or a “rebel with a cause.” He was unpredictable and strange because He was a man utterly owned.

I’ve had my first clear glimpse of my race, my heart union with the Lord, and it’s just amazing! But it’s also mine alone to run. Though I’m blessed with love and friendship and true Body fellowship, the core of my life is solitary. I’ve never seen that so clearly before, certainly not without a good deal of fear or regret. It’s just different now, and I wish that I had the words to express how much peace and excitement I have over the very thought, but I don’t. All I can say is that this “normal” Christian life is stranger and weirder and yet somehow more magnificent than I ever thought it would be.

“You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.”
Flannery O’Connor

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    • Jim

      I love that in several verses He calls us His peculiar people!!! Thanks Jennifer!!!
      For you are a holy people [set apart] to the Lord your God; and the Lord has chosen you to be a peculiar people to Himself, above all the nations on the earth. (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭14‬:‭2‬ AMP)
      Now therefore, if you will obey My voice in truth and keep My covenant, then you shall be My own peculiar possession and treasure from among and above all peoples; for all the earth is Mine. (‭Exodus‬ ‭19‬:‭5‬ AMP)
      And the Lord has declared this day that you are His peculiar people as He promised you, and you are to keep all His commandments; (‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭26‬:‭18‬ AMP)
      For the Lord has chosen [the descendants of] Jacob for Himself, Israel for His peculiar possession and treasure. [Deut. 7:6.] (‭Psalm‬ ‭135‬:‭4‬ AMP)
      He did not tell them anything without a parable; but privately to His disciples (those who were peculiarly His own) He explained everything [fully]. (‭Mark‬ ‭4‬:‭34‬ AMP)
      Who gave Himself on our behalf that He might redeem us (purchase our freedom) from all iniquity and purify for Himself a people [to be peculiarly His own, people who are] eager and enthusiastic about [living a life that is good and filled with] beneficial deeds. [Deut. 14:2; Ps. 130:8; Ezek. 37:23.] (‭Titus‬ ‭2‬:‭14‬ AMP)

    • Wanda

      Thank you, Jennifer, for being you. I love you

    • Sam

      Yesterday I was being comforted this same line, Jennifer.

      There is a ruin, desolation, waste land… “solitude” place he calls us from (He put us there). This He told by the prophets (Is. 52:9) and by parables:

      “Blessed are the poor in spirit…”

      His call to dwell in this magnificient Christ is from a wasteland, and from it you step into abundance with no limits. Christ Himself came into His mission from a 40 days wasteland tour, devoid of food and green pastures.

      Love to His “wasteland” people, called from a deep place of solitude.

    • Annalie du Toit

      This post bears the mark of timelessness, even though it is very time specific and personal. I think it is because it is Holy Spirit.

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