My Lie Shaped My Life

by Jacquelyn

In one of C. S. Lewis’ books, a group of dwarves believed they were in a barn eating a paltry meal. In reality, they were in a palace at a scrumptious banquet table. They allowed their belief in a lie to control and shape their lives.

I was just like those dwarves. When I was a child, I believed the lie that I was all alone, that there was no one who cared for my welfare. But the Lord was there. He was with me every step of the way and He was pointing me toward His call on my life. I just didn’t believe He was there.

You see, He called me from the womb to be alone with Him, but because I resisted Him, resisted being alone with Him, I suffered a lot. I had horrible nightmares of being thrust alone into outer space. And sometimes even in my waking moments, I feared being alone in space.

Are you with me? My resistance to the Lord was the cause of my suffering. I caused my own suffering!

Yet even in my suffering, He was with me. He never left me. But because I believed the lie that I was alone, I was unaware of His presence, unaware of His intimate involvement in my life, unaware of His great love for me. Oh, I had head knowledge of His presence and He told me often that He would never leave me or forsake me. I even had head knowledge of His love. But I was bitter and my heart was hard and I was not connected to Him heart-to-heart.

My Lie had to Die

I am so grateful for Martha and the Shulamite body. Had it not been for their love, prayers, and confrontation, I would still be living in my lie. I believe that confrontation is love of the highest order. Because of their involvement in my life, my eyes were opened and I saw God. And when I saw Him, I saw my lie. When I saw God, I embraced Him, embraced His will, and embraced my aloneness—and my lie was cast down. It was not “a” lie. It was my lie, because I fed and nurtured it.

God trained me from birth to be alone with Him. This doesn’t mean that I am not involved with people. Because of my connection with God, I can now connect with people in a new and fulfilling way. My belief in my lie kept me from any meaningful connections.

All along I fought God, thinking I knew better. I have found that this place of aloneness with Him is not restrictive but wide open. I have no words to describe His liberty in me.

From “Who Am I?” by Casting Crowns:

Not because of who I am
But because of what You’ve done
Not because of what I’ve done
But because of who You are