He Bought My Shame

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God perfectly engineered the human body to be a marvel of survival through healing.  And it has to be, because when it’s occupied by an unredeemed soul, death and destruction is the daily constant.  Our bodies are a walking testimony to the state of our souls, a flesh and blood witness of every choice we’ve ever made.  Some of that can be seen with the human eye and some requires a microscope or MRI.  Either way, our story is written on every cell.

I talked to a lovely lady on the phone last week, and I told her that sometimes I wish my sins weren’t so readily apparent to everyone I meet.  Until a few months ago, I was an obese smoker with acne.  Now I no longer smoke but the rest still holds.  As soon as I meet someone, they can make all sorts of assumptions about my character and life choices—and most of those assumptions are correct.  That’s not the whole story of me, of course, but my body does reveal a good portion of it.  I have no way to hide.

Every line in my face, every stain on my teeth, every nervous tic or stutter, every time I can’t make eye contact – I am an open book to anyone with eyes and ears and a modicum of discernment.  The voice of the enemy is ever reminding me that my failure and shame is inescapable and unfixable.  I’ve been fighting against that accusation in all its variants for the last three years—and losing nearly every battle.  I had my first breakthrough over the weekend, my first true victory on my own with no one else but God, and it was because I acknowledged the truth of the accusation when it came.

I was in pain, and I knew that the pain was, in part, attributable to how wrecked my physical body is thanks to years of my abusing it.  The pain intensified and became extreme, and I knew I deserved it but finally I prayed; it went something like this: “You know what?  NO!  I will NOT accept this pain!  I know that I deserve it and I’m a mess and I’m responsible for the mess but guess what?  Jesus bought me and I am owned.  He bought every last bit of this shameful mess and I belong to Him.  Jesus is Lord of my body and you, Satan, have no right to access it.  Get off me!”  The pain evaporated.  It was just gone.  Well, I cried for a good long while after that.  I was so thankful, astonished, in awe, in adoration, utterly undone and full to overflowing with the unbearable mercy and LOVE that my Father poured out on me.  I don’t have words for the wonder of this experience.  It was miraculous.

I am beginning to see that there is an element of healing that takes place through spiritual warfare.  Martha always says, “’Agree with him quickly’ and the devil has no power.”  Well, my body tells a story, and right now it’s pretty messy.  But it’s God’s mess.  He bought me and He owns me – all of me, including my shame.  In His good time, He redeems and heals and restores health.  The enemy attacks where we are weak and ashamed and vulnerable.  I’ve now experienced first-hand the power in agreeing with the accusation, and closing the door that shame opened by bringing it all into the Light.  Light is greater than darkness, truth is more powerful than lies, and Jesus is absolutely Lord of all.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God’s own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light…
1 Peter 2:9 NASB

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[…] think that my experience of healing through spiritual warfare involved proclamation.  I proclaimed God’s promise of complete […]

Pauline

You’ve got it, Jennifer…I want it!! It is a fight, a relentless fight against the lies of satan who continually tries to enslave us [OK, me] again and again to the prison of shame and remember, as you said, that Christ has purchased us; He bore our shame. I have to put sticky’s up in every room to remind myself of the cleansing Christ has accomplished for me. It’s quite different than guilt…it seems that guilt is the result of actions or habits and they can always be changed; shame is like the personhood, and I can’t get away from… Read more »

Wanda

Oh, Jennifer, I love you so much for your total transparency. Your posts give me hope that I too can make it through our precious Lord

Irene

Shame. — there is so much of it hidden in the recesses of my soul. In response to my request to Jesus for how I could possibly overcome all of these feelings of shame, Holy Spirit directed me to Psalm 34:5 AMP “They looked to Him and were radiant; their faces shall never blush for shame or be confused.”. So, I purpose to keep looking to Jesus. He Is my all. He Is the only reliever of my shame Thank you Jennifer for sharing your deepest struggles with us. I am praying for you my dear sister in Christ.

pearl

Is it like you said Yes to the accusations…yes I misused my body, yes I overindulged in this or that…so yes enemy your right…BUT I say No to the pain of this shame and guilt …I belong to HIM now and that is ALL…so wonderful for your healing…so wonderful…You brought all the ugly stuff into the light and He is the light and exposed it for what it is…He is really wonderful…He takes our sin and shame and exchanges it for his light and forgiveness…So Happy for you! I am trying to get more of this yucky stuff out of… Read more »

Tina

Yea! Yes. At times I am able to see my current spiritual state not only in my physical body but in the details of my home and yard…even down to the tasks that the Lord has me doing. Cleaning out closets, or debris outside. It is often in these times that He give me compassion and helps me to not judge other’s state but to understand their need and cover them with love. Now to only give myself the same…

Sandy

…beautiful!!

Sam

Thank you Jesus.