Today I want to begin a set of posts on the topic of LOVE. As the Lord was preparing me for the Love Reigns conference, He asked if I would be willing to share a part of my testimony that’s very, very personal. After I said yes, He started opening up the message to me that I delivered at the Saturday morning session. It wasn’t painful to speak, but it was a raw pouring out of me for His purpose. And quite frankly, my motive in doing these posts is that I want to hear more on the subject. So I’ll share this here, trusting Him to reveal Himself further.
Love Me, Love Me, Love Me
Very often I’ve tried to extract love from God. You know, to get Him to express His love for me in a way that I can feel. Especially in moments of depression, stress or fear, I wanted Him to display His love for me. I look for a tangible touch—a confirmation of His love. I’ve wondered if this is a rare thought among Christians, or if I’m simply just one of the many. I don’t know, it seems somehow to be like sacrilege to mention it. As if it were a betrayal to the One who proves His love over and over again, even with the most ultimate Gifts of His Son’s life and His indwelling Spirit. But at the end of the day, I want Him to touch me.
I’ve gone about to many charismatic Christian conferences and meetings looking for this touch. Hungering for something that I could experience. As I stated during “Love Reigns,” I’ve sought the Lord crying out, “Where are You?” In the past, the Spirit would apparently touch many around me and leave me untouched. I even had a friend joke with me that I was an “oak of righteousness,” meaning I stood like a tree when the Wind came. But though I smiled, this was never funny to me. I left these meetings often in tears, feeling disappointed and rejected. “What is wrong with me, God? Why don’t you touch me?”
Is this you? Have you experienced this as well? Well, in these next few posts, I want to share what I’ve found. I want to tell some of my story, and open up some of the whys which He has revealed to me. My prayer is that we’ll all see more of Him as I’m trusting Him to write these posts.